Had a smattering of very interesting conversations a while back. For regular blog readers, you might recall a former incident about a chitenje. One of the madames waved a chitenje (piece of cloth that women wrap around their skirts here) in my face and said “this is the chitenje for Dickson’s bridal shower.” I said “I don’t know anything about that.” Because I didn’t. I’ve never been to a bridal shower or wedding here. What is it for? Do we buy it for the bride? Do we buy it for ourselves? Are we each getting one? Is it for the shower or the wedding? Who knows. All I wanted was an explanation. But I never got that. Instead she and another madame launched into this whole thing about how I need to go and learn a thing or two about living here. About how that’s how “we” survive here in Africa – supporting each other. And then she informed me that if I don’t go to the bridal shower than she won’t come to my wedding. Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. I was literally speechless that she could hurl such a hurtful remark. I didn’t know what else to say so I told her that was fine if she felt that way and that I didn’t even know if we were going to have a wedding ceremony here. Because this was after we had decided to come home but before we told anyone.. so it was just awkward. And I was hurt by her reaffirming the fact that they were going to continue to not support me – just like the last 7 months. And I was more than a little angry, not gonna lie. Because the thing is, I wasn’t even invited to this wedding shower. The only reason Dickson told me about it was because I bumped into him in town buying something for his fiancée and it came out that I had never got an invite. So he awkwardly gave me one the next day. Well call me crazy but I don’t fancy accepting a pity invite to something that I clearly wasn’t thought highly enough to invite in the first place. Sure, maybe they just forgot. But that really doesn’t make me feel any better that they’d forget someone that they spend 8 hours every day with… Sigh. Anyways, it ended up with me being hurt and irritated but repressing it like always. I remained polite throughout the whole exchange. I thought it was done.

Well a few days later, Envie (library assistant) comes to me in the library and says that she heard that I refused to buy the chitenje and was super rude to madame about it. What?! I never refused! I just said I didn’t know anything about it. Because if they had explained, I surely would have participated! And I wasn’t rude. Sure I was quiet. But I made certain to stay respectful and professional. Bah. So Envie fills me in on everything. Apparently a bunch of the teachers had been sitting in the staff room talking about how rude I am and how I was refusing to buy it. Only one other lady stood up for me (Nellie – we were SO RIGHT to love her, Mol!) and said that no they didn’t approach me in the right way and that I wasn’t rude, just confused and felt attacked. So I’m obviously upset that such things are being discussed in public. Respect here is huge. The moment that your reputation is attacked and you’re seen as rude, say goodbye to any sense of camaraderie. So I decided that it needed to be addressed at the source, since clearly the 2 madames involved did not leave it in that room where I thought the issue was finished. Envie and Paleisha told me that I should just ignore it. That people here gossip all the time and that I should just let it go like they do. And at first I was going to. I don’t like making waves, especially here where when I do stand up, it’s often cast as me just being a foreigner who is ignorant as to how things go here. But then I decided, no. There’s a small group of people at MIRACLE who treat people like shit (pardon my language) and think they run the place and they get away with it because they are loud and everyone else is quiet. Everyone just ignores it. Enough is enough. I knew that my confronting the issue wasn’t going to change anything, but I wanted them to at least know that it was not okay. Maybe give them an attack of the conscience that would make them think twice the next time.

So I went to Mwadame Mwalweni first because she’s supposed to be the auntie of the school. She’s the counselor and we’re all supposed to go to her with issues. I was careful to make it very clear that I wasn’t attacking her. I wasn’t attacking anyone. I just wanted to bring up the issue in a calm way and explain my side and confusion, apologize if I seemed rude, and request that such gossiping be stopped in the future. Well she didn’t quite understand that I’m afraid. She immediately got defensive and started saying that I just needed to calm down because it’s their “culture.” BAHAODINSODINAO. That’s all I have to say about that. So then I informed her that no – this is not the culture that they preach. They talk about how communal everything is. How you look out for each other and support each other. And that if they were following that supposed culture, I’d have no problem. But they don’t follow it. I’m left out of everything. I had to bite back the word “hypocritical” so many times because I knew it would be a fightin’ word for her. Anyways, it didn’t go so well as she just didn’t understand any of my points. And then she started calling the people who told me, liars. I kept their identities confidential, but she just went on and on about how they were trying to separate us. As if we have some great love bond between us. Pu-leeze. The moment you told me that I couldn’t take communion because I was living in sin and damned for not going to church = those feelings gone, lady. The “informers” were the ones acting out of love, while you’re just sitting there lying through your teeth. What does the bible say about that, Madame Holier Than Thou?! So finally I just decided that that conversation was over as she did not understand any of the logic I was using. She basically dared me to go talk to Madame Principal about it (who was the other lady in the room) and nearly passed out when I told her I would. Clearly she thought I was afraid or something.

So I took a breath to settle my frustrations and went to talk to Madame Principal. And it was like night and day! I presented everything in the EXACT SAME manner. Respectfully. Choosing my language carefully. Not making any judgments or accusations. Just trying to clear up confusions. EXACTLY the same presentation on my part. And wouldn’t you know it, we spent that whole conversation laughing and loving each other. Why? Because she actually listened rather than getting defensive about our differences. Because she is rational enough to make logical connections. Oi. It boggles my mind how different those two conversations went. Definitely solidified my respect for her, not only as an administrator but also as a woman in Malawi. Anyways, sorry for the rambling. To sum up, the issue was all sorted out. Turns out Madame Principal was confused by my “I don’t know anything about it” because she was gone the day that the announcement was made to the women… of course I was not invited to that women’s group… so she thought I already knew what was going on with the chitenje. Laid the issue to rest with more love and respect for many of my co-workers. Much less for one. Oh well. Also, my attempt to lessen the gossiping at MIRACLE failed miserably. As I knew it would. Have heard a couple of tongue-lashings about other teachers and while I wish I could stand up for them too, they’re conducted in vernacular so I’m never quite sure of the content. At least not sure enough to act. But then again, I shouldn’t make excuses for myself – it’s much more likely that I’m just a coward who’s too tired of being branded an unknowing American to risk getting into it with co-workers for the sake of another.