So I’m sure many of ya’ll know by now but I’ve decided to come back to the U.S. Whenever people asked how long I was going to stay in Malawi, I always said that I’d stay for as long as it made me happy. And that if one day I woke up and realized that it wasn’t the right place for me anymore, then I’d move on to the next adventure! Well I’d originally assumed that day would be years from now, but alas it’s already happened. Nothing big or traumatic happened. In fact, I’d had days before when I said I wanted to leave, but that was always following some terrible no-good day. So I discounted them as biased. It needed to be just a normal day.

Which it was. I was completely fine, just sitting at work working on fundraising projects. I started thinking about who I wanted to be witnesses when Banda and I go to get our wedding certificate. Beams, of course, was an immediate choice. But after him, I was stumped. I literally could not think of another single person who I wanted to be there. So that made me think…. Do I really not care so much about anyone here? Whenever people asked me what was my favorite part about Malawi, what makes me love it enough to start a new life there, I always always said the people. So obviously this was troubling to me that I couldn’t think of any real relationships. Especially because I miss my family and friends in Texas so very much. I then realized that if I did go back to Texas, I wouldn’t truly miss anyone here (other than Banda – who’s coming with me – and Beams – who’s moving to Kenya anyway). So if the bonds here are pretty much nonexistent, then what’s the point of being here as opposed to Texas?

Of course my rational, list-making side prevailed because I didn’t want to make a hasty decision that I’d later regret. I’ve done that once before when I left Rome early and it’s been my biggest regret in life. I’m not willing to make that mistake again. So what did I do?! In true Alyson fashion, I made a pro-and-con list! Two actually. One for Malawi and one for the U.S. When it became clear that my reasons were leaning towards going back to the U.S., I also made a third list – What I used to love about Malawi and why that’s changed. Because I needed to get all my thoughts down about why my feelings 18 months in are different than they were at 12 months. Some of the other reasons:

1. Lack of real relationships. Already discussed.

2. Lack of real conversations/ respectful conversations/ any conversations at all. This has to do with my changing relationships I suppose. I’ve grown tired of the banal chatter that is considered talking here. I used to have interesting talks with students and teachers about cultural differences and life experiences. But I guess those talks can only last so long and unfortunately nothing else has taken their place. The joy and satisfaction that I felt when I talked with Singuini about politics here proves my point since I knew all along that I wouldn’t likely find another person with the same mindset to discuss such issues. And I was right. The second part – respectful conversations. For some reason, the madames at MIRACLE have become both combative and nosy. It seems that every conversation we have involves them lecturing me about how I should behave as a woman/wife (most of which I categorically reject as they place the husband as superior) or outright criticizing my beliefs and lifestyle. Or probing for details about private issues. I’m tired of it. I’m not sure why this has happened. They left us alone as volunteers. All I can think of is that maybe since I’ve moved here to stay, they feel like it’s their duty to educate me. But really it’s just patronizing and intrusive. And hypocritical. Just today they were lecturing me about how I need to go to Dickson’s wedding shower because then if something happens for me, they’ll also show up. Now this idea is great in theory. I fully support that idea of reciprocity. HOWEVER, do not sit there and tell me that ya’ll support me as part of this community. 1. I wasn’t even invited to this shower…. 2. I have been sick for weeks and no one came to see me (a HUGE slap in the face in Malawian culture). 3. I am continually left out of meetings and other visits to women/hospital. So don’t bitch at me and act like I’m the one who is being disrespectful when in reality ya’ll have been excluding me from your little community for the last 6 months. In all fairness, I would like to note that the Chaminade women’s group has been so warm and welcoming! They have been a true source of wifely friendship, as it is intended to be! So I don’t really understand why my co-workers are not the same way. I was never particularly close with any of the male MIRACLE teachers but I did have one who I really enjoyed. Well all he ever talks to me about now is how he wants me to find him a white wife. Not only does this make me incredibly uncomfortable as he told me when I first came back that he wanted me in particular. But it also is just frustrating. Someone who I respected suddenly can’t seem to talk about anything other than skin color. There’s also been a sharp decrease in English used around me. I don’t know why – maybe they think I understand more vernacular than I really do. Maybe they’re trying to teach me. But even when I tell them that I need a translation, they refuse and just keep repeating it in vernacular amongst great laughter. Not only is it frustrating, but I’m not going to learn anything if I don’t know the English equivalent. One can only take being mocked for so long. You might think I’m being oversensitive, but I’m not. One can tell when it’s good-natured and this is definitely not. I know Laura noticed this too when she was here. The madames seemed very hostile and mocking, one of the main reasons why she was often reluctant to go to MIRACLE. This kind of blends in with the third point of no conversations. There are many days where I don’t speak to anyone at all, excepting simple greetings in the morning. And it’s not just that I’m hiding in the library. I spend about half my time in the staff room, surrounded by people. And yet? It’s as if I’m invisible. Also, the students aren’t really around anymore. MIRACLE has gotten stricter about them being in class all the time. This is great, don’t get me wrong, but it means that I never get to sit and get to know them like I used to. These chats with the students, as many of the avid blog readers know, was a main part of my days and was what made me love MIRACLE the most. Gone. I was talking to another foreigner about these frustrations and he said that he used to feel bad about being treated that way too until he realized that Malawians also treat other Malawians like crap. He seemed to think that was a justification for staying. But why would I choose to live in a life like that??

3. Feeling of peace replaced by feelings of irritation and tiredness. I always described my love for Malawi as a general feeling of peace and contentment. That was the main thing that helped me realize that I was in the right place. But unfortunately I don’t feel that peace anymore. I get irritated 90% of the days at work and then I come home and am swamped by the tiredness that comes with all of the household tasks. I do still like having to do things, but there is no denying that it wears a person down. The old volunteers and Banda can attest that my bedtime is usually 8:00 because I’m falling asleep sitting up at the dinner table. And yet in Texas, I’m up until 1 am every night. Why? I’m convinced it’s because Malawi takes it out of you. The heat alone could be something, but then also all of the tasks. Because it’s not just about washing dishes. There’s no sink, so first you have to scrub 3 buckets to make sure they’re clean. And then fill 2 buckets with water from the tap. And then haul those to where you wash. And bring all of the dishes outside. And walk the remains out to the trash pit that’s set apart from the house. And theeeennnn you can finally start washing the dishes. Even when you don’t think you have a lot, it still takes over an hour and a half. And 9 times out of 10, you do have a mountain because you have to do all of the cooking from scratch so you use pretty much every dish you own each day. Oi. Anyways, my point is that it wears a person out because everything just takes so much longer. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just wanted to call for a stinkin’ pizza. I think my favorite part about going away for a weekend is that we don’t have to cook or clean – forget about the beautiful scenery! And it’s not only the physical drains, but the mental things as well. Like always worrying if the power will go out before it’s time to cook dinner. Which is a legitimate concern since the power goes out at least 5 days a week. Because then on top of everything else, you also have to get 2 charcoal cookers going – without the US blessing of lighter fluid and real charcoal. There’s a whole lot of torn paper and blowing and waving and praying that the crappy homemade charcoal will light. And then once it is lit, everything inevitably burns because the majority of food just isn’t meant to be cooked that way. It’s the wondering if water is going to stop coming each day. And having to fill buckets constantly so that we always have a supply. And even if it is running, it’s usually dirty, so you can’t actually drink it or cook with it. It’s the freezing cold showers in the morning that make me long for my old daily burn-inducing bubble bath. It’s not having a real toilet and instead having to wander outside in the middle of the night to use a hole in the ground. It’s having to boil all of your drinking water. I never minded all of these things before because my thought was always that I gave up a comfortable, easy lifestyle because there was so much else here that made it worthwhile. It was my choice. And an easy one for me. But if those wonderful, beautiful things are no longer here either then the harder life just doesn’t seem worth it. I would like to make a side note that Banda is wonderful about all of this. I don’t want you to think that he’s just sitting around while I do all of this work alone. It’s definitely a team effort, but even so, it’s exhausting.

4. Sickness. It’s been no secret that I’ve spent most of my second trip here sick. I’ve actually felt awesome health-wise for the last month which has been great. I’m pretty sure that the anti-malarial drugs are just suppressing everything. But when I am sick, it’s just very frustrating to feel like no one has any idea what’s wrong with you. And as someone who already hates taking medicine, it’s not so comforting to also know that the doctors will have nothing to say other than “malaria” and that they just hand out drugs like candy, hoping that one of them will work.

5. Fulfilling job. Right now I’m fine because I have the library project. But at the rate I’m going since I don’t ever want to leave the library, I’ll be done with that in a couple of months. And then what? I only teach twice a week. So basically I’ll be left to sit and watch movies all day. I know, it sounds like fun. But as I realized when my back was sidelining me, it really gets old after a few days. I miss being challenged. While I’ve never been one to center my life around my job, I do like having a purpose still. And I want to be a librarian in the US where it’s an actual job. Here it’s just sitting in the library and making sure people don’t steal books. I want to help people do research and find books that will shape their mentalities the way books did when I was a kid. I want to actually be a librarian.

6. Love of self. I think part of the reason why I loved Malawi so much before is the personal growth that happened during my first year. Ever since public high school traumatized me with its hundreds of students, I’ve been quiet and shy. Anxious mostly. But I really blossomed here. Most people who met me in Malawi refuse to believe my other version of Alyson. And I loved that new self. And was afraid that I’d lose it when I went home. But now I know that I’m stronger than that. If I want to be, I can still be my outgoing, social self.

7. Simple lifestyle. Likewise, I’ve realized that leading a simple life that takes time to appreciate the smaller joys is not exclusive to Malawi. I can do that in the US.

8. I miss school. I miss learning. I was definitely burnt out after graduation, but now I’m ready to go back.

9. I make next to nothing. Obviously money isn’t a concern for me. If I cared about money, I never would have come here in the first place. I do, however, care about paying back my thousands of dollars in student loans from undergrad. I also care about making enough to come back to see my family every couple of years. And I care about being able to support my future children. None of these things can realistically happen in Malawi. Especially when the new tax system is going to start taking half of my already measly salary.

10. Also, I’d like those future children to grow up having every opportunity available. I could never sacrifice their future simply because I selfishly chose to live in Malawi. At first I said I’d homeschool so that they’d learn everything they need to know. But now I see how much of a role cultural expectations play in shaping their mindsets. People here are just different. There’s no denying it. From the gender expectations to work ethic to personal interactive styles to logic skills to simple things like senses of humor. There are some wonderful, beautiful differences – but again, I feel like it’d be easy to transplant those differences in America than it would be to bring everything else from America to here. So I changed my answer to coming back to Texas before they started kindergarten. But then I look at the youngsters around campus and realize that even by 3 years of age they already have their attitudes and personalities shaped. Plus, I cringe at the thought of what would happen if my child ever got sick here. That alone is enough for me to pack my bags.

I guess in a nutshell you could say that I’ve gotten close enough to see the cracks. When we were volunteers we were in a little bubble not only in terms of household work, but also socially. But now that I’m back on my own and a ‘real’ employee, I see a different angle of people and actions. I see the hypocrisy and the exclusive mentality and the laziness. You know how when you look at something from a distance, it looks fine. But then when you get close enough, you can see all of the imperfections. And that’s when you have to decide whether those imperfections make it more beautiful or make it unrecognizable and thus undesirable. I suppose the more admirable answer would be that you accept it for what it is, flaws and all. But alas I cannot do that for Malawi. If those cracks did not include the people themselves, I would say sure no problem. I can deal with more chores and less comforts. I can deal with a lazy job. But when it comes to relationships and people’s well-being, I simply cannot sacrifice.

In talking to Ms. Kim during our English lessons, I’ve come to realize even more clearly how much my perception of Malawi has changed. Because talking with her is like talking to myself at month 7 (which is how long she’s been here). She loves Malawi. She feels that her students love her as a mother-figure. She feels that she’s gotten past superficial relationships and that they have a more meaningful bond. She feels that she is making a huge difference in their lives and that they are so grateful for her support. That they will always remember her. It’s really kind of eerie to hear her speak since I swear some of it is verbatim what I used to say, particularly about her bonds with people. But really it just makes me sad. I hope for her sake that her feelings never change. I truly do from the bottom of my heart. Because to see the change is somehow devastating. As for me, I now know that my students and coworkers only ‘love’ me when I’m doing something for them. I stop letting them borrow my computer and suddenly no one comes to chat with me in the library anymore. That I can never give them enough because even when I do go out of my way to help, they’ll always ask for something more. That I will never really belong in this community. That organizing MIRACLE’s library won’t really encourage people to use the library. It was just something to pass my time. That the village children here don’t really know or love me. That to them I’m just an amusing different colored person who behaves strangely. That they’ll never know my name – that I’ll always be “duntu mzungu” (“fat foreigner”). That when I go, people will rarely ask about me. I’ve unfortunately learned this first-hand as no one ever asks about the former volunteers who were dearly loved in their time here. That I’ll just be some mzungu who stayed here for a while and is now ‘their white person’ that they like to tell their friends about as some badge of specialness. There’s this line in Blood Diamond where the Zimbabwean character (Leonardo DiCaprio) says something to the effect of “the Peace Corps types only stay long enough to realize they’re not going to change anything.” Maybe this is where I’m at now. Maybe I’m just cynical. I don’t know. But I’ve come to see that my presence here is nothing big. Not that I ever expected it to be nor did I want it to be. I never wanted to change the world. I wasn’t looking for praise. In fact, it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable every time someone at home tells me how proud they are of the good work I’m doing. It makes me cringe. Why? Because I don’t see it that way. It wasn’t some big selfless act. Or some great attempt at humanitarian success. It’s just life. I wanted to live somewhere else so I made it happen. And yet even with all of that uncomfortableness about recognition, it still seems important to me that I be doing something constructive. Something worthwhile. Not to be praised for it, but to know it for myself. That I did something good. Something that will change the cycle. Something that will last. Otherwise, what’s the point of being away from everyone and everything that I know and love? What’s the point in being treated crappily every day? I don’t even know if this rambling makes sense to anyone else. As an end note that is far more positive, I do still believe in my heart that the community libraries that I collected books for WILL make a difference. Hundreds of children will have access to books that would have been out of reach before. That has to count for something. So that is what I am going to focus on… just accompanied by a more realistic assessment of my time here.

The only wild card was Banda. If not for him, I would have been on a plane last week. When I’ve told people that I’m coming back, they always ask if Banda is coming with me. Of course he is! I would never leave him. We’re in it ‘til the end. Another question that we’ve gotten is if I’m worried that he’s just using me for a green card. And I have to answer that one with a resounding no. In 5 months he has never once mentioned a desire to go to the US. In fact, Laura and I had to drag it out of him whether or not he even wanted to visit. He loves Malawi. This is his home. And his love for me has no basis in wanting to get out of this country. Trust me – all of us volunteers were much attuned to that possibility with my potential suitors, so it’s always something I scope out at the very beginning of even talking about dating. But I’m rambling. Far from thinking that he wanted to get a green card, my main fear was that he wouldn’t want to go at all. Because he does love Malawi and he’s really close with his family. But he said “Wherever Alyson goes, I go. How can I not?” Gotta love him. I am still a bit concerned though because I don’t want all of my elements of frustration in Malawi to simply transfer to his experience in America. I don’t want him to have an unfulfilling job or feel like he doesn’t have any real friends or that he can’t understand people or that he misses family and friends too much. We have spent hours and hours talking about a future in America and what he should expect. So I feel like he is prepared. But I guess we’ll see. His happiness will be something that can’t be judged until he’s actually here and then compromising will have to occur.

So anyways, nothing is set yet. We still need to do Banda’s visa stuff which will take months at best. And I want to finish the libraries before I go. So maybe early November hopefully? We’ll see! Good thoughts and prayers that things work out well.