A rant, of sorts. I do apologize in advance if this rambles on or upsets certain individuals but it’s been irking me all week whenever it flashes into my mind so I must therapeutically release it. Merci.

So the other day one of the Madames at MIRACLE came to me (completely out of the blue, I was just sitting there minding my own business) and asked me when Banda and I are going to “officially bless” our marriage. AKA Get married in the Catholic church. Sigh. I dislike this question but whatever, I hear it all the time, so I’ve gotten used to it. “Next year, when my parents can save enough money for the airfare to Malawi.” Normally this makes people happy and they move on. But nope, not her. She plows on and tells me that that’s not good because until then I cannot take communion (from the Catholic church) since I’m living in sin with Banda. Now let’s take 2 steps back here madame. First of all, where is this offensive judgment coming from? Especially when last week you were sitting there telling me that you were praying that I am pregnant. Let’s get your judgment straight. Secondly, I pretty much lost respect for the church’s dictation of who can and cannot receive communion when they denied it to my friend’s mother after she got a divorce because husband regularly beat the shit out of her. So no, I don’t really care what the church says on that topic. I thought Jesus was supposed to be all about inclusivity and love. Psh. Not here clearly. Thirdly, Banda and I consider ourselves to be husband and wife. We don’t need some piece of paper from the government or some blessing from a church that I don’t even go to, in order to make it valid in our hearts and actions. We are faithful. We are in this until we have gray hair and can’t even see each other anymore because we’re so blinded by age. In my view, our relationship is far more “holy” than the majority of those I’ve seen here where men are treated as superior and also regularly cheat on their wives. In fact, this calls to mind a pillar of our very own local Catholic church who had a major sexual scandal last year with one of the high school girls he taught… So don’t you dare come to me madame and damn our relationship. But I kept all of that inside because I did not want to unleash upon her a whole 2 years worth of frustration about the religious hypocrisy here. I did make my main mistake in response though. I said “Well I don’t go to church here anyway, so…” Sigh. Big mistake. I should’ve known better. But it just popped out. I thought her head was going to explode. So I went on to explain that I don’t understand the Chitumbuka so it’s basically 3 hours of just sitting, not understanding anything being said, and distracting people by playing with children. Really, what’s the point of going? And that instead I just pray at home where I get much more out of it. Normally this explanation satisfies people and they move on. But again, not her. She launched into this whole thing about how I should still go for the community. “Well madame, I get enough community at work and with Chaminade teachers and my neighbors. And those are the same people who have good enough English at church to commune with me anyway.” She remained undeterred. She said that she was going to talk to the brothers about me. Excuse me?!? It is none of your freaking business whether or not I go to church! So don’t you dare bring my bosses into this! Not to mention the fact that they already know I don’t go to church. Next she switched veins completely and told me that I should go with Banda to his church because we are “one flesh now so you must do what your husband does.” By this point I’m ready to pop her a good one. No I will not convert simply because I am married. I am still my own being. I still have my own brain and my own principles and my own ideals. By this point I think she could tell I was more than a little irritated by her preaching. I mean, I didn’t say outloud any of my mental backlash but I’m sure some of it was showing on my face. So she said she’d come to me later with the issue. “Really Madame, you don’t need to come back to me about his.” She left. And then returned an hour later to tell me that even though I said I’d already made my decision that she was still going to come and that “little by little” I’d come to see the right way. OMG. So now I’m going to have to listen to this for weeks on end… I think the thing that is most frustrating about all of this is that I cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation with her where I can explain my views. Because her conception of faith is just so narrow and confined to what she was brought up with, that she would never understand or accept my side. Just the few things I tried to slip in here, she completely rejected. Because I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I believe in something bigger than myself. It may not always be the God that you believe in, but to my side I think it’s more important that you have something grounding you and keeping you compassionate than to have a specific name for that greater purpose. And I have that belief which pushes me towards a better personhood. I have a set of principles (morals if you will) by which I strive to live my life. Compassion. Generosity. Honesty. Respect. Awareness. Simplicity. Gratitude. Courage. Patience. Acceptance. Peace. Hmm sounds like that’s suspiciously similar to what one would call a Christian life, no? Certainly more so than the thieves who have been stealing cement from my house and yet their main defense is that they’re leaders of their churches. Ha. So sue me if I don’t label my decency as “Christian.” I live a life of service rather than one of personal wealth or power. I strive to be generous with my time and resources in my everyday life while most people’s faith exists merely within the four walls of a Sunday church. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to toot my own horn. I’m just trying to demonstrate my frustration with the fact that the objecting Madame will never see all of this as a valid expression of faith. Nope, it’s just “WHAT?! You don’t go to Church?” packed full of judgment and a desire to convert me to “the truth.” But alas I see much disappointment in her future. I am content with myself and my spirituality. I feel more at peace now than I ever did when I was going to church every Sunday and swallowing wholeheartedly every dictum that was presented to me by the religious educators. I refuse to ever again just accept without question, without intellectual debate, or without a thoughtful consideration of the ramifications. That to me seems to be the useless (and often irresponsible) faith.