So as I’m writing this blog I’m thinking back on my last entry and my mum’s comment about how glad she was that I am so happy. So definitely having a bit of reflection time. Because you know, that’s supposed to be healthy every now and then or something? To be quite honest, these last couple of weeks have been fairly rough. I haven’t been happy. Work was exhausting and frustrating as I often find myself wishing that I could spend enough time in the library to actually finish my project, rather than teaching (something I never wanted to do). Also being upset about doing everything on my own without any help. So that’s made me fairly tired and overwhelmed by the end of the day. Socially things had gotten just as maddening as different cultural expectations and gaps in communication just about pushed me over the edge emotionally and made me yearn for the easy relationships I already have with people at home. Loneliness often prevailed. And I can’t get home to the U.S. soon enough. But at the same time, the reality that my year here will be over in just 2 short months looms in the very near distance, causing me much distress. I am coming back to Malawi and for that I am extremely grateful… but even so, 5 months away from this place seems like an eternity some days. Especially when there are some people here who I miss when I don’t see them for 2 days.

So yes, to be honest, I haven’t been in the greatest place emotionally for the last couple of weeks – even as I’m writing this entry there have been things in the last few days that have made me cry and made me just plain cranky – one of the main reasons why I haven’t been writing on the blog. I had these notes about the days and couldn’t bring myself to revisit things that had made me unhappy at the time. Just seemed like it would perpetuate the problems. This actually was probably a wise decision because I waited until I was feeling better before writing that last entry that was full of happy moments…. And as such I was able to focus on the small, good things that did happen in that time period. So while it did indeed suck in the moment, now I am able to look back and appreciate the positive moments that ultimately matter much more than the minor irritations. And in doing so it’s helping me to remember the article that I wrote a million years ago about why I love this place – the little things. The little moments that bring me joy – not just happiness because happiness is impermanent and can shift in an instant (so says the ever wise Chris Tavares). But true joyfulness is a state of being. It gets into your soul and determines how you are as a human being. And thus I am now able to remember that my love and appreciation for this place are not transient and dependent on ALWAYS loving my job or even the people here…. It runs deeper than that. So yes, I can be unhappy and cranky and bitter towards things and people here, while still feeling joy in my heart that I am indeed lucky enough to be here. Thank you, blog.

Ok reflection time over. Thanks for listening to my ramblings – since this blog is doubling as my personal journal, it’s nice to be able to get these thoughts out on “paper.”

Returned to work on Thursday after returning from Lilongwe. Pretty exhausting day. Everything went well, just probably needed a day to recoup from the travel. But no rest for the weary, eh? Had a good English class – we’re actually ahead of schedule! Awesome. Took a walk to Gondwe’s shop with Chris after work. Very happy to resume that little tradition since I’d missed him and his goofiness during the trip.

Friday was as busy as it typically is – 3 computer classes in the morning. Skipped entertainment time and instead worked in the library doing call numbers. Swung by the summer hut at the end of the day to chat with some people which turned out to be a bad move. I’d already been feeling a little down and unfortunately the teachers who were around only talked in vernacular, thus making me feel a more than a little lonely. Kaunda walked me home and as I tried unsuccessfully to explain to him that he’s most welcome to come to our house to hang out at any time, I was overwhelmed by language barriers and cultural differences. Because 1. He just could not understand what I was trying to say. And 2. I believe we have a legit friendship – one that’s not based on favors or expectations, but instead one where we actually enjoy just chatting and hanging out. And yet still he doesn’t feel comfortable coming to a house that has 4 white people there. Still he feels like he would be bothering us. Let me add that this has also happened with Kalua and Banda – both of whom know they are my 2 favorite Malawians in the whole of Malawi lol. It’s absurd and frustrating and yet still it happens despite my trying to convince them that their presence would be a welcome blessing most days. But I digress. Kaunda just didn’t understand in that moment. So I walked away and couldn’t keep it together any longer. The loneliness was just too much to handle and I ended up sitting on the porch having a complete meltdown. Unfortunately none of the other volunteers were around so that made it even worse. Bah. I even ended up calling Kalua while crying which let’s be honest was probably a first for me since I hate showing people that I’m crying. But alas he was already in town at his sister’s house for the night. Malawi: 1 Alyson: 0. But eventually I recovered with the help of a cocktail and some Girl Scout cookies. My housemates returned for supper and after a restorative hug from Chris I was able to call it an early night.

Saturday turned out to be great though. Had a lazy morning because we knew we had a program in the afternoon. While the boys were off wandering around campus the afternoon before, they spent some quality time with the Village Headman and ended up being invited to Ndolo on Saturday afternoon. Ndolo are the traditional dances only done by women (whereas Malipanga – remember I wrote about that so long ago? – are performed by the men). They were holding these dances just near campus in honor of a drummer who had recently passed away. And when the Village Headman invites you somewhere…. You go. So we figured it was a must which we were fortunately all pretty excited for. It was a bit awkward when we arrived because it wasn’t a big event so the 6 of us whities stuck out like sore thumbs. Molly and I have never been so grateful for the normally maddening gender divisions which allowed us to sit to the side on a tire with the women and children while the boys ended up in seats at the front. We could have sat with them (because of our skin) but it was much more comfortable to be enveloped in that nook of female companionship that I’ve always found so wonderful here. And the kids are just fun to play with :) Clifford’s wife was there so she wanted Molly and me to join the women in dancing. Now this sounds like a terrible idea lol. Neither of us knew the moves and my hips just cannot possibly move in such a manner. But I go with it because it’s one of those rare days where I’m feeling the beat in my bones so I figure I can at least fake it. So Molly and I end up behind one of the houses to practice but that just draws a crowd so Madame decides that we will just practice while we go… in front of the whole crowd. S-W-E-E-T. Oh you all would have been so proud of me. I just decided what the heck, I’m going to have fun with this. No worrying. No being self-conscious. This is a special moment of being included and I’m going to live it. And I am so glad I did because it was an amazing experience. Got in line with the women and danced our booties off. The crowd cracked up most of the time but who cares because we were laughing too. Even if we were legitimately good they still would have laughed so oh well. Our boys Chris and Matt were very supportive, cheering us on and even videotaping us (still a bit nervous to see it in real time lol). Even now I’m smiling as I think about dancing with the women, being all dramatic as we were breakin it down to make everyone giggle. So wonderful.

Afterwards the 6 of us walked with the Village Headman to his house for a short visit. Enjoyed the fact that we had a parade of village children behind us and had a heart-swelling moment of pride as Chris pointed out how much I’d grown in 8 months (obviously not in height, but moreso in confidence and spontaneity since the person I was before never would have danced like that). Made it to Bwana Mwanganda’s house where we were welcomed by his 2 wives and treated to some cooked bananas that actually ended up being more the consistency of bread. Weird I know – I think they added flour? Not sure but it was pretty good. Left a while later, loaded down with a bag of leftovers and peanuts. Yet another cool experience as we got to hear all of his chiefly stories.

After supper I headed over to the staff room to watch the Champion’s League football final. I was pretty happy about this because I’ve missed going over there (my only real social activity here) since the Premier League ended. Miss hanging out with everyone and goofing around. So I was grateful that the game was on and that I heard about it in time. Went over alone and perched on the edge of the bench next to Kaunda since the room was full. Chris and Callaghan joined us later which was kinda cool since the others usually watch football at the Brothers’ house. Inter-Milan was victorious although I wasn’t particularly concerned about the outcome – just glad to be back in the staff room with everyone, having a lovely time! Was pretty impressed with Kalua as he is the first Malawian in Karonga that I’ve heard speak out against the 14 years of jail with hard labour that the gay couple here received. Now I’m sure everyone who reads this blog has different opinions on gay marriage and sexual orientation in general, blah blah blah. But my point is that I doubt even those who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, would support a punishment of almost a decade and a half of prison and forced labor. It’s been a pretty big stink around here though as homosexuality is illegal and the uber-Christian population (which is pretty much everyone in this culture that soaked up the missionaries’ doctrines) believes it to be sinful and abnormal. So I wasn’t really expecting to hear anyone who thought the punishment was a bad thing. Even the wise old men here on campus whose opinions I usually respect were on the side of thinking it’s ok. But good old, westernized Kalua. Should have known he’d think differently and I’m pretty sure I was grinning like an idiot as I understood enough of his vernacular speech (with a little translating confirmation from Kaunda) to realize that he thought the punishment was ridiculous. Now whether or not he thinks homosexuality is perfectly normal, I have no idea. But it was nice to hear someone who recognizes that it’s not okay to imprison people for loving someone, especially when people who are known for committing various civil rights violations and crimes are still walking free in the streets. Got an escort back to the house after the game from the man himself which was nice since I hadn’t seen Kalua in quite some time thanks to our trip to Lilongwe and his busy-ness.

Went to the summer hut on Sunday morning because the science teachers were departing for a week-long conference in Chitepa and Kalua had asked me to come send him off. But the driver ended up going from house to house to pick everyone up since they were all late (surprise surprise) so no luck. Oh well. The sad thing is that this trip has pretty much wiped out all of my favorites… Kalua, Kaunda, and Mumba. Banda = sole survivor. So I’m not sure who I’ll hang out with this week :)

Returned to the house to wash some laundry while watching “Fireflies in the Garden.” Depressing, not great, but okay. Wish it had delved deeper into some storylines. But a good distraction during laundry for sure! I like this new routine I have of washing while watching. Afterwards I just laid around and watched “Notting Hill” which I haven’t seen for some time probably since Mum and Dad have always despised it :) But I loved it completely! Oh Hugh Grant. Had a community lunch since we had visitors – Callaghan and Jeff but also Allie who had returned that morning from Nkhata Bay (whoot)! It was nice to have her back even though it was for just a day. Cool girl.

Sunday afternoon marked the moving of Callaghan and Jeff to their host families… exciting! We started off with Jeff who’s staying with Madame Mwalweni (who works in Miracle’s social office with Molly). Chatted with her family for a while, toured the house, and then moved on to the Kasaya house where Callaghan will be living. I’m pretty jealous about his placement although I think he’s maybe a little wary of it. But I have just been completely charmed by Mrs. Kasaya and her children. Madame is just a hoot and makes me grin, while the children are adorable and always looking for someone to play with. Plus the house is a gathering point in the community (even before there was a mzungu there to inspire a crowd) which means that there are always dozens of children around and a handful of adults too. This seems like fun to me! So I’m jealous. I think Molly was too lol. Had a mineral with the family in celebration, Callaghan showed off his awesome light that purifies water, and we left him for the night.
Ndol